Why do you do what you do?
December 29, 2022 by Mike Manazir — (4-5 minutes)
In Chapter One of my new book, Learn How to Lead to Win: 33 Powerful Stories and Leadership Lessons I talk about my relationship with my father and mother and how it unleashed two driving forces that influenced my motivation and leadership style to this day.
Dad was not quick with praise. He seemed to find fault with whatever I did, regardless of my effort. For one reason or another, I never seemed to be quite good enough to meet his standard. That’s how it felt at the time. Later I would see this as a gift. It motivated me to do better.
I had two voices in my head. One was my father saying: “You need to do better.” The other was my mother’s encouragement: “You’ve got this. You can do it. Don’t give up.”
The twin emotions of proving my father wrong and fulfilling my mother’s belief in me became powerful driving forces like two jet engines strapped to my back at full power. It was a defining combination—my father breaking me down, my mother building me up. It gave me an inexplicable blend of ego and humility.
What was your experience growing up? What childhood experiences shaped your emotional drivers? Our emotional drivers can, and almost always will, set up and drive our interpretation of ourselves and the world we live in. Over 95 percent of humanity naively live a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by the conditions of our youth. That doesn’t need to be the case for you. You can change your interpretation of self. You have a choice. You can change through intentional thoughts and behaviors. Is it easy? No. It’s not easy, but it is doable, and it is worthwhile.
My choice ultimately came to listening to my mother’s encouragement, and equally to the “you’re not doing it right or enough” judgment of my father. It became a balance and it worked for me. I found the inner drive to do more, go the extra mile, to do better, and prove I was worthy.
Have you had to deal with feeling unworthy – that you don’t belong in the room? What are the voices in your head saying? What do you tell yourself in that moment?
Remember, when you talk to yourself, the most important person listening is you. Become aware of what you tell yourself. Believe in yourself and reinforce it with healthy self-talk. Harness the power of affirmations to reprogram your subconscious and the messages it sends you.
At the time, I couldn’t tell whether my dad was proud of me for going to the Naval Academy or not. I don’t recall him ever telling me he was proud I was attending his alma mater. He did not give out praise often. When he did, it had a powerful effect on me. In the book, Lead to Win, I share the impact it had when he wrote a letter telling me how proud he was of me as I assumed command of the USS Sacramento.
I thank my parents for many things. I am thankful my father and mother were both people of compassion and strong values. My father saw his way to the Naval Academy. He had a successful career in the Marine Corps. He gave me space to make my own choices. He imparted discipline on me. Once I decided to go to the Naval Academy, he showed me how the Academy could be the gateway to the life I wanted. He set an example for excellence. So, in hindsight, I am grateful for him always pulling me forward to do more.
I am thankful to my mother for the nurturing support she provided. She swelled with pride each time I got an award. She always believed in me. She set an example for empathy and caring that became the centerpiece of my leadership.
I know I am blessed to have the parents I had. But you, too, can change your path today by changing your self-talk to be more and do more regardless of the parents you had. Choose to live grateful. Start each day with gratitude. Forgive those who hurt you. Most were doing the best they could with what they had. Forgive them to free yourself to go forward and be what you were meant to be. Remember this truth, no matter your background, “YOU are enough!” You can do it. Believe it.
Take Action
What are your emotional drivers? What motivates you? What makes you do what you do? Why do you overreact to some impulses and not others? What are you attempting to satisfy that is embedded deeply within you?
You need to understand the existence of these powerful forces. It will explain many things about you: what you do and don’t do, how you act and react – and why. Get completely honest with yourself about the negative feelings you have about yourself.
As a leader, you not only need to have clarity on what motivates you, you also need to develop the ability to identify what motivates the people around you. What are their emotional drivers? It explains who they are and what they do.
I mention a number of leadership resources to check out on this topic in the first chapter of my book. For today, I want to encourage you to pick up a couple that I think will serve you well.
Patricia A. Carlisle, Emotional Intelligence: How to Manage Your Emotions and the Emotions of Others
Jim Newman, Release Your Brakes – https://www.amazon.com/Release-Your-Brakes-James-Newman/dp/0937359440
The PACE Color Palette at https://paceorg.com/product/the-pace-palette-participants-set/
These resources will help give you clarity on who you are and why you do what you do. It is my gift to you in my desire to help you Lead to Win.
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