June 20, 2023 by Mike Manazir – (4-5 minutes)
There is a chapter in my book Learn How to Lead to Win: 33 Powerful Stories and Leadership Lessons titled Seek Balance. I deployed fifteen times for six months or more. I was at sea for more than eight years. I was gone for 50 percent of our married life.
We could feel the negative anticipation start as going to sea approached. The dread of Dad being gone again extended to the kids as they got old enough to understand. I distinctly remember the drive from Escondido in our station wagon to join the squadron at North Island where the USS Ranger was moored.
Nobody talked during the thirty-minute drive. It was miserable. When we got to the pier, Megan who was about five years old wouldn’t look at me nor would she hug me. You don’t look back when you walk to the brow of the ship (the gangway where crew board the ship). Kelly would immediately drive away and not watch me. Everyone just wants to get past the feeling. During workups, many a spouse, including Kelly, finally says, “I wish you would just go. I can then get used to you being gone.”
Being gone was a refrain of my thirty-six-year career. In order to stay on track in my naval aviator career, I needed to accept ever more responsibility at sea. The selection boards valued “sustained superior performance at sea” in our fitness reports, so I deployed. A lot.
I was succeeding as a naval officer gaining more experience and skills at sea with increasing levels of leadership responsibility. I was on an upward trajectory and having the time of my life. I was on the path for squadron command and higher. Kelly was my partner in all of this. She successfully raised our children and supported me emotionally while I came and went. She was and is my anchor.
As time passed, I began to seek more balance. Work-life balance is a tricky business in an extended deployment environment. You can only be in one place at a time. You are gone from your family when you are deployed. Then, you are home. If the squadron or ship was home, then time at work became more like a civilian job.
As I became a more seasoned leader, when we were ashore, I would encourage my people to take advantage of all the family opportunities. Be present for birthdays, anniversaries, parent-teacher meetings, school events, athletics for the kids, and to volunteer to coach or be an assistant coach for their kid’s team. You must take advantage of those times when you can, because you can never get it back. I missed Megan’s entire senior year in high school, except for the graduation ceremony.
I cannot adequately express the importance of seeking balance and being present with your family whenever you can. Professionals, especially two professional spouses have to balance the focus on their work with the focus on their family. It’s immensely important for family unity with the upbringing and emotional support of the children. It requires a concerted effort by both parents to build family life around their professions. It takes diligent care and effort to ensure their professional success does not come at the cost of the family.
Balance became one of the key focus points of my leadership. I would encourage my people to leave work to attend family events that would be missed if we were at sea. I made a point to talk about it and model it. My direct reports knew my policy.
The stress of work, when not actually deployed or on mandatory travel for your company, should not extend to staying at work and missing key family events unless absolutely necessary. I have leaders demand that everyone stays, no matter the workload because they are afraid that the reported effort will not stand up to scrutiny unless they keep everyone late every day.
Please always remember, day after day, that leadership is a position of service, not privilege. Keep your attention and attitude toward serving everyone on your team. There are times when you must ask them to sacrifice, but you do it only when it is necessary for the organization, never simply because you want it. It is critical to routinely check in with yourself and check your motives.
Your family is the most important team you will ever be a part of.
Don’t forget to prioritize them while chasing your career dreams.
-Brian Dyson
Lead from your heart. Lead to Win.
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