MIKE’S GUIDE TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION – PART THREE
March 7, 2023 by Mike Manazir – (4-5 minutes)
Chris Voss calls them calibrated questions. There is magic in the words, “Help me understand?” Many of us, especially A-type personality leaders are usually in a hurry to get to the bottom line of an issue or story with little tolerance for a perspective that is different than our own. Magical things can happen if we pause the scene for just a moment, take a deep breath, send the dragon back to the cave and sincerely consider their opposing point of view.
The conversation can begin with the honest revelation, that you see it from a different perspective, such as “Barbara, I respect you, so please help me understand how you came to that position?” Then apply Stephen Covey’s 80/20 rule for effective communication. Spend 80% of your time trying to understand, and 20% of your time trying to be understood. Taking this approach creates what Chris Voss calls Tactical Empathy and builds trust. Just ask open clarifying questions starting with “What” and “How” while avoiding “Why.”
Show empathy and genuine interest in them and what they are saying. You can disagree on the issue and still be sincerely engaged with empathy for the other party. Make it all about them. At some point, the law of reciprocation kicks in and they begin to ask you clarifying questions and seek to understand your perspective. This kind of authentic empathic communication builds trust and will often lead to satisfactory common ground.
This coaching point is one of the most powerful things I ever learned. It is life transforming. You can use it with any key relationship, but especially your highest valued employees and key customers. Let’s set it up with a key customer. You invite them to lunch or dinner at a nice venue conducive to quiet conversation. Once you’ve completed pleasantries and the meal, start this portion of the conversation something like this:
“Blair, I know how busy you are and I appreciate your taking the time to meet with me today. You’ve been a customer of our firm for some time. We’re going on ____ years now. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate the trust you have placed with us. I’d like to ask you something. You could do business with anyone. What prompted you to choose our firm ____ years ago, and what’s keeping you with us today?”
Wait for their answer. Don’t rush it. Listen. What they tell you here is what you’re doing right and you need to keep doing it. What they tell you next is pure gold. The conversation continues, “I appreciate hearing that. Let me ask you this, on a scale of 0-10 how would you rate our service over the past year?” Listen.
It’s now time for the big nugget when they tell you what you might do “even better.” Let’s say they give you an 8. That’s a good rating. Regardless, now ask this, “What ONE THING could we do this year that would take that rating from ____ to a 10?”
They may jest and say you are 10 or better, a 15 maybe. You can have a laugh, and then ask something like, “Seriously, are you saying we are exceeding your expectations at this time?” If the answer is a “Yes,” simply express how delighted you are to hear that you and your team pledge to do your best to keep it that way.
The gold you are seeking, and what actually helps you get better, is hearing that “one thing” from their perspective that you could be doing even better.
What this communication does is take the guess work out of where you stand with a key relationship. If there is a grain of sand that’s gotten into the oyster, you get to turn it into a pearl.
My final coaching point: This conversation doesn’t work without authenticity and trust. I tell in the book how I would be walking about USS Vincent as the XO and check in with various members of the crew doing everything from fixing airplanes to serving food in the galley.
One of my favorite things to do was get a hat from the Petty Officer and serve food with him, chat with the sailors we were serving and catch up on how he and his family were doing. One day, as I walked away and he thought I was out of ear shot, I heard him say to one of the sailors, “That’s MY XO!”
It was like he claimed me. I belonged to him and he belonged to me. It made my heart explode in my chest that the guys on the line cared about me that way. It happened because I cared about them and took the time to get to know them, hear what made them sad, glad or mad… and when I could, join them in their work for a moment just to be with them. They didn’t want to disappoint me. I didn’t want to disappoint them.
I leave you with this, communication fails because:
- Leaders don’t take the time to do it;
- They don’t do it often enough;
- They don’t do it effectively (they think an email or text will do when they need to be face-to-face);
- They aren’t truthful or authentic; and
- They don’t break down the rank barrier. They don’t get out of “CEO talk” and don’t reach the listener.
Lead from your heart. Lead to Win.
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